I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
