Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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