Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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