i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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