is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
