i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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