she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The Olympian is in my bed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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