I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
