why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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