I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize