i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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