my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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