If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize