I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
