If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize