Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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