...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
