I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
