it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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