booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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