I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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