I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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