yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
