Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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