you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
