I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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