Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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