That's intense
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
