You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
