I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize