He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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