Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
