Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
