you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
