You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
