I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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