Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm getting married
To pizza
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
