I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
