fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
