ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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