She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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