if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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