Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
