Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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