My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
