Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
