thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
