Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Randomize
