the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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