there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
