All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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