this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
