Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
