I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We're using joints as your birthday candles
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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