I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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