We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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