thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
