Pants 0. Shit 1.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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