i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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