i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
