Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
