I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
