she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
