he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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