I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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