really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
