My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
