This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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