And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
