how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
