Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
