My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
