ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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