i jhust puked up my retainher.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
