if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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