Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
